An excerpt from the highly-anticipated sequel to "Lincoln in the Bardo," working title "Junior in the Jello."
Junior in the Jello
I am a marvel. A tribute to the Gods on the highest mountain.
They up there like the billy goat, shufflin’, rope-a-dopin’, echoing the
tribute back in my general direction. I got no quarrel with none of 'em, just as I had
no quarrel with them Vietcong.
Muhammad Ali
He’s circling his cage, more fearsome and beautiful than
anything I have seen in this limited life of mine, batting at the demons that
filter through this place like dust mites in the afternoon play of shadow and
light.
Robert Downey, Jr.
I had a quarrel with them Vietcong, Champ. A couple of ‘em
were sellin’ dope on one of our corners, right there like they were like, oh,
we’re fuckin’ gooks and these little white fuckas gonna look right through us
like we’re invisible and that kind of shit. Fuck that. Me and Tommy and Billy
beat the friggin shit out of ‘em. You beat the shit out o’ somebody in the
neighborhood, a mick or a wop or some other white guy, nobody gives a rat’s
ass. Gooks? The slammah. Fuck that.
Mark “Marky Mark” Wahlberg
Did you have the temerity to call me a stone rat stoolie?
Roger Stone
Wahlberg’s looking all over the place, like he’s expecting
to get cold-cocked. “Did you fuckahs heah that?” he says.
Robert Downey, Jr.
You sound more like Matt Damon every day, Mark.
Martha Stewart
Hah-hah. If you were youngah, I’d take my shirt off and make
you swoon.
Mark Wahlberg
If I were younger, I’d be out for the count with Ali. I
mean, god, would you look at that man.
Martha Stewart
Yes! Look at me! I float like a butterfly and sting like a
bee. I’m like no one before or probably after me.
Muhammad Ali
Excuse me, please, Sahibs, but is there perhaps one of those
amongst you willing and able to procure a cigarette and share it with me? One
puff will suffice. Two would be the greatest pleasure.
Mohandas Gandhi
Oh, fuck me. I’d give a nut for some blow right now. Shit, a
quarter, man. An eighth. A fuckin whatever half of that would be, dude. A
fourth? Just a little mini row. Little minis, about a hundred of ‘em. Oh, shit
that would be sweet.
Robert Downey, Jr
Bapu is composed, standing as straight as his pillaged body
will allow. One hand out in the universal pose of a man in need of a cigarette.
Nelson Mandela
Woman, too.
Martha Stewart
What? I ask her. “Women do that, too, Madiba, when they are
wanting a smoke,” says Martha. I nod my agreement. Her cell is spotless. She is
cultivating mushroom spores from the mold that criss-crosses the walls and
windows. Magic mushrooms for the younger fellows, some wondrous yellowheads for
those of us more enamored of her cuisine than her herbal hocus pocus.
Nelson Mandela
Dahlink, come rest your head on my heavink Hunkarian bosom.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Been there. Done that. Bloody brilliant. Better than a line,
mate. Any day.
(Not yet Sir) Paul McCartney
I don’t get it. What is she doing here, anyways? Green Acres
wasn’t bad enough to get tossed for, was it?
Robert Downey, Jr.
Bozza heeva!
Bill Cosby
Here we go, lads!
(Not Yet Sir) Paul McCartney
Some razzles and some roozles and some greezy babbas. Evvy
Day. Long as I’m away.
Bill Cosby
The problem for us, here, in this moment, Mr. Cosby, is that
you quite simply never go away.
Martin Luther King
I now have a temporary residence that resembles the quarters
of some of the Greatest Political Prisoners.
Bill Cosby
You have a temporary residence in Hell, Cosby, and from here
it is my foremost wish that you go from here to the next level down. At the
earliest opportunity.
Mahandas Gandhi
The Big Three have had their panties in fucking bunches
since Cosby got here. I think they’re all in the middle of serious stuff,
volumes of big history shit, and this pervy brother shit don’t cut it in the
can. I bitch-slapped the fuckah a couple times – wicked hahd -- when I first
saw him but he got that look like he was getting a kick out of it, which made me
want to bitch-slap the shit out of the fuckah some more. This new Roger guy’s
got a little of that thing going, too.
(Not Yet Marky) Mark Wahlberg
If you’re listening, Boss, this place is amazing. Better
than Disneyland. Lot of black guys, however, which I wasn’t expecting in
prison.
Roger Stone
He’s not listening, Ban de Soleil Man.
(Not Yet Sir) Paul McCartney
Paul Effing McCartney. Fuck me!
Roger Stone
Not on this planet, Mr. QT.
(Not Yet Sir) Paul McCartney
QT?
Roger Stone
Spray-on tan, man. Sans-a-belt. High-heeled sneakers.
(Not Yet Sir) Paul McCartney
Stone is giving McCartney a look like he’s trying to read an
eye chart on acid. McCartney’s probably on acid, but that’s beside the point. Oh
god. I’d bend over for a little tabbage. Brain cabbage. Prepared by Timothy
Leary in a Harvard labbage.
Robert Downey, Jr.
What I’m saying, mate, is you’re not my type.
(Not Yet Sir) Paul McCartney
Stone looks like he’s Ted Danson doing blackface for
Whoopie, except it’s neon orange cuz things get exaggerated in here like you’re
on Mysterious Island. Zsa-Zsa is lips and tits and ass. Ali paints and sings, beautifully,
it’s like it’s coming down in god rays, he tap dances on the ceiling and shit
like that. Mandela is this aura, man. When Marky Mark was bitch-slapping Cosby,
the Reverend got in the middle of it, shoulders and noggin, big old moon-melon
on those big old shoulders, and looked like he could break Marky’s arm if he
wanted to, and he had it under control but Cosby got into his stuff.
Robert Downey, Jr.
Violence goes against my grain, my main man, my may may,
shooma shommy, watch me now I’m gonna sofoffaloofa like yo mommy.
Bill Cosby
You talkin bout my mama, son?
Little Richard – no, that dude would be too scary magnified
with those plucked eyebrows. He turns in to James Brown. That’s better.
Robert Downey, Jr.
Jimmy Jammy, Phi Slamma Pajammies. My brother!
Bill Cosby
I’m gonna ask you once, Cosby.
James Brown
Cosby is doing his little shimmy shammy thing. He’s got this
little hamburger head on top of an enormous Christmas sweater and a pair of
fuzzy slippers about the size of Cincinnati.
Robert Downey, Jr.
What the fuck you doing, Cuz?
James Brown
Hey, hey, hey! I’ba wabaiting fobor yabou to badask me
subummathabing.
Bill Cosby, op. ed.
What kinda brother you at, man, not know what “I’m gonna ask
you once” mean. Shit, son. You seem like you woulda been the kind of kid drive
your mama to bad decisions.
James Brown
Gandhi’s smoking like a fiend. He’s got that little mouth
with the little moustache but he must have just shy of thirty friggin’
Tareytons jammed in there, each of them drooping ash like wet noodles.
McCartney’s playing air guitar and being all boppy. He and Cosby don’t get
along, which is a good thing cuz the two of them would be cause for moving on.
Robert Downey, Jt.
When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide….
(Not yet Sir) Paul McCartney
Don’t get all dark on us, Paul, I say. I hug him because
he’s a hug whore, giving and getting.
But it’s getting dark in here, he says to me, he says. Youngbloods.
You know of ‘em, mate? I can’t decide between yes and no so I do a sign of the
cross for some reason. Go figure. Anyhow, it seems to work for him.
Robert Downey, Jr., ipso facto
You OK, there, RDJ? I met your da once, in Ireland. He was
working on a film with Julie Christie. I wanted to hold her hand, if you know
what I’m saying, but she wanted to hold John’s so I told her to shag off and your
da…. Wha’s this, mate? Newcomers.
(Not yet Sir but not a Beatle anymore, either)
Looks like a whiny little fuckah and his fathah. Look at the
lips on that little fuckah!
Marky, (mark)
Prithon Puthy!
“Iron” Mike Tyson
Pudding Pop!
Bill “Tylenol PM” Cosby
5-star room and above for my son, here. Got that? Nothing
but the best. My boy fell under a bus and they’re going to give him time for
getting run over. Not fair! Lying liars! Failing failures!
Pooping poopers!
The President of the United States
For some reason, everyone thinks this is hilarious and
laughter bursts from them like it’s being Cannonballadderleyed out of their
bellies. Everything shakes and even though we are all laughing like Mary
Poppins’s old friends, it’s kinda scary for some reason. I could use a joint.
Maybe just a Quaalude.
The President of the United States, Jr.
